Gifts of Abandonment PT.1

This season of my life has been a rather raw, coming of age, type of season.
Looking back on my past, the hurt, shame, and loneliness that stemmed from my personal struggles and relationships left me feeling beat up, hopeless, jaded, and inevitably sentenced to a life of sadness and suffering.
As a child, I struggled a lot with anger and depression, and low self- esteem/ self worth. The reason for all the anger, depression, and absence of self worth, I still am unaware. Perhaps it was situational, perhaps it was a chemical imbalance in my brain- something I do know, however, is that through it all, I longed for approval and love- more specifically, approval and love from my mom.
Growing up in a very dysfunctional, messy, sad home, I was never really sure what love between a husband and wife, love between a father and child, and love between a mother and child really looked like. Leaving my young self feeling desperate for something more.
Now I can see that the something more I long for was really just love and approval from my mom. I have to be the reason she is so sad and angry. My troubles are what is dragging this family down, deep down into the darkest, loneliest places... the agreements I made with myself, and the devil. The questions that circulated through my head so often.
Therapy appointment, hospitalizations for an eating disorder, doctor's visits, a variety of different medications for depression and anger. I was blinding trying to find away to make things better, unaware of the internal warfare, and emotion abuse I was fighting with each day.

Through all of the pain, loneliness, confusion, and guilt I experienced as a child and young adult, I continued to long for my mothers compassion.

It is important for me to note that my mom is not a bad women, and her intentions have never been, nor will they ever be intentionally abusive.. I genuinely know that she loves me, and loves her other children. I genuinely know that she wants what is best for me, and the other kids. But I am coming to know that the love and want she has for her kids is tinted by her own dark past, anger, depression and bitter denial.

As I sought to find ways to satisfy my mom, I did failed to realize that a person living in denial, and depression can not be satisfied.

Real love is not bought at a price. If there are conditions to loving someone, it is not real love.

Broken for a Time

A pain that feels like weakness;
A hungry infant pulled away from its mothers bosom.

A pain that feels like suffocation;
A fish out of water.

The end of an era so to speak;
mourning what was and what could have been.

Hurt and sorrow wash over the seemingly desolate anatomy
of the lover mourning the loss of love.

Dejection creeps in, along side self-loathing and hopelessness,
the light that once shown down so bright on the future now appears dark and dimmed. 

Drowning in a sea of uncertainty- fate seems all but a scheme.

The notion of falling in love is threatened by the hardening of the heart,
and desperation of the soul.

Lions, Tigars, Peanut Butter OH MY!

I am a self-proclaimed health guru. I love to eat clean, fresh, nutrient dense food.

I would like to be known as a healthy eater- come on, we all know one; that person that always picks the healthier option. They usually stay away from the processed, high sugar, heavy carb meals. Let’s be honest, I would take pride and have taken pride in the past as being known as "the healthy one." But that title comes and goes thanks to my addiction. However, the title of 'healthy eater'/ 'the one who makes good decisions with food' doesn't need to be attained by extreme diets, or cutting out major food groups. It is simply found through treating your body with respectful, and by eating respectful food. That’s right, I said respectful food.

For me personally, respectful food is food that is clean, fresh and nutrient full.

For everyone it can mean something different. As a binge/ bulimic, I have to be incredibly careful what I eat. Often times if I eat things that are too high in sugar, artificial flavorings or sweetener/ carb I’m screwed.

Lets talk peanut butter.

High in sugar, high in fat, high in card, high in sodium and just about everything else good. When I think about peanut butter by body tingles, my mouth waters, I feel nervous, and relaxed all at the same time. It sounds to me like I’m in love with peanut butter. I dont think it would be far from wrong to say I am. But this simple everyday household item just might be the nail in my coffin.

I don’t want to demote peanut butter and say that it shouldn’t ever be eaten, or that it is the worsted food out there. Yes, it still has benefit, yes, its main ingredients is peanuts, a nut rich in Monounsaturated fats (healthy for the heart, skin and nails). But it’s a food meant to be consumed in small portions and that is not an option for me. In this season in my life I am completely incapable of 'just one serving.'

So goodbye to peanut butter for me. Hello to my self-proclaimed healthy lifestyle.

As hard as it may be to admit, I don’t need anyone else telling me I am the healthiest in the room. Because we all determine our own way of life, our own journey with health; whether peanut butter is in the equation or not. As long as I am abstaining, and eating the foods my body and minds can handle at the time, I am surely on the way to recovery.

As I am journey though recovery, I think back on who I was, I think about who I want to become, but I am unsure who I am right now. So I choose to focus on what I am becoming. I choose pray, and allow God to work in my each and every moment.

Here’s to a healthy life, clean life.

Hitting My Knees

On my knees, in the bathroom stall, praying for strength, grace, passion, courage, and healing. Praying that God will come to me, that the Holy Spirit will come and fill me up on the inside. Forced to hit my knees on a dirty bathroom floor, in a stall, in a college restroom.

And I am coming to find, no matter where the location, no matter when the time or place, finding a place to surrender to Jesus in sweet harmony, and holy surrender is often times just what I need.

First thing in the morning, after my feet hit the ground, my knees should be next.

Before bed, before my head hits the pillow, my knees should hit first.

Prayer is how I find my strength and my value. Going off of a sermon taught at Grand Canyon University on Monday morning chapel, The Pastor reminded the congregation to Pray Regularly, Pray Humbly and Pray Privately.    

Prayer can by hard, and is often times extremely discouraging. In my own journey with recovery I have found myself very angry with God. Why does his word promise us that if we ask the door will open, and if we seek we will find? Often times I feel like I ask and I ask, with no outcome. No recovery.

During the same Monday morning chapel, the pastor described the two way conversation with God and human, and how it works during prayer. He described it in a way that finally made sense to me, and I am sharing it with you all in hopes that it bring some of that same enlightenment into your recovery.

While Praying....

1.    If the request if wrong God says No

2.    If the timing is wrong God says Slow

3.    If you are wrong God says Grow

4.    If the request is right God says GO

 Gods plan is HIS PERFECT AND PLEASING PLAN FOR OUR LIVES.

So I will close us with this proposition: Although recovery seems impossible, and often times endless, let’s keep praying, whether our request are wrong or right. Let’s continue to pray for Wisdom and Healing. Let’s all remember to continue hitting our knees.


Romans 8:26
²⁶ In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.

Pursuits of A Dreamer

Life Bucket List
-Hike Several 14ners
-Live in the South
-Get Married
-Have Children
-Live in the South at Some Point
-Own Chickens
-Run in Central Park
-Walk in a NEDA race
-Kiss in poring rain
-Run in a marathon
-Deliver a baby
-Live in a City (downtown)
-Skinny dip with someone I love
-Rock Climb Real Rocks
-Breed dogs


Travel
-Ireland
-Europe
-China
-Washington
-Hawaii
-Egypt
-Mission in a 3rd world Country

Pin Pointing Recovery

I find it extremely difficult and discouraging that as an addict, it takes something as small as a thought, a memory, a discussion, a picture, or a smell to set off our habits. And once our addictive habits are triggered, and the urge for our desired substance of choice starts to act up,  all of our self-control and rational thinking quickly slips away from our grasp; often times costing us our sobriety, our happiness, and the freedom to enjoy our lives.

Recently in my recovery with compulsive overeating (binge/bulimia) I have realized I can always pin point something specific that triggered my binge episode. It always starts with a bad decision regarding food. For example, stealing food from  one of my siblings, or one of my roommates. Perhaps choosing to eat, or even take a bit of a food that I have second thoughts about, or know I should not be eating(processed food, foods high in sugar). Eating meals to close together can often times be a factor in triggering an episode; Also, eating too much at a meal almost always trigger's my eating disorder urges.

There are a lot of habits, and small encounters with people, places and things that can set me back in my recovery; going out to restaurants, going to sleepovers, or parties at friends houses. Holidays are extremely hard on addicts. Yes, the holidays are full of joy, and happiness, but they are also full of down time, sweets, sugar, and emotions. For now, all I can do is continue to train myself to say "NO." And to focus on the future I want for myself. A future that does not involve binging and purging. A future that does not involve constant torment, depression, and food thoughts. A future where I can be strong, healthy, and proud of who I am, where I have been, and where I have going. I can make the right decision for myself. Anyone struggling with addiction can choose to make the right decision for themselves. 
When we are in the depths of our addiction, it is so hard to get out; Yes, it is possible, it is always possible to start recovering from addiction no matter how many times you have relapsed, but I am here to say, it is crucial to find out what sets off our addiction, so that we can put a stop to it before it gets ahold of us, and sends us down the path of utter destruction.

 

Plan of Action

My current most prominent struggle (regarding  my eating disorders) is binging and purging. Binge/ purge episodes are extremely time consuming, tiring, depressing, physically painful, and emotionally draining.

The definition for binging is, "a short period devoted to indulging in an activity to excess, especially drinking alcohol or eating." and it is true. It only takes a short while to fill your body full of sugar, defined carbs, and processed foods. It only takes a short time to make yourself feel depressed, fat, bloated, worthless, insecure, and unworthy. 

So how can we, as addicts, as college students who struggle with eating disorders, as humans, combat our habit to binge eat? 

First, we recognize. We recognize the triggers; what sets up off to binge, what sets us up for failure?  

Through my years of recovery, I have pin pointed a few key things that I know play a big role in the beginning and/or start of one of my binge cycle. Here is just a few: 

1. Sugar. In my book, sugar is crack cocaine, Meth, Heroine.  When I eat it, my thoughts are distorted. My thinking gets a skewed, and I lose all control of rational thinking. Sending me into a quick and fast binge cycle.

What's the solution? Easy. No sugar for me. Sure, it could be viewed as extreme, but its my only option to stay sober. The ice cream, frozen yogurt, chocolate, milk shakes that I think so fondly of must be cut out; anything high in sugar and sweet factor. Just like an addict would cut out there drug of choice. And at this point in my recovery, I must learn to say no. To say, "no thank you.... I can't have that..." I must learn to protect myself from what could become potentially deadly.   

2. Recognize when we are bored, tired, angry, emotional, and Not Overeating as a Result: This one is really tricky for me. If you are anything like me. when you get bored or tired you automatically think "Food;"  However, the difference between a binge/ purger and a normal eater, is that binge eaters have no off button. So if I begin to eat when I am tired or hungry, I wont stop until I am engorged and utterly miserable.

How do we combat this problem? How do we not eat when we are bored or tired? Well we can start by breathing, and getting in touch with ourselves. Now call someone, talk to someone, walk somewhere, journal, read, look up interesting stories to read on the internet, buy a book ahead of time to read, make a cup of tea, meditate, sleep! Tell yourself out loud YOU ARE, RESILIANT, STRONG, AND POWERFUL. AND YOU CAN OVERCOME IN JESUS NAME.  Let your soul be still. 

It is so hard. But we can overcome. The future is so bright for us. Gods plan is not for us to beat ourselves up, and for us to look down on ourselves. Let us love our bodies, and take care of them. 

"We must first love ourselves before we can truly love others."

 From personal experience I believe that to be true.  So how crucial it must be to take care of ourselves, and to do everything out of love.

Whoever gets sense loves his own soul; he who keeps understanding will discover good.

Prov. 19:8