Hitting My Knees

On my knees, in the bathroom stall, praying for strength, grace, passion, courage, and healing. Praying that God will come to me, that the Holy Spirit will come and fill me up on the inside. Forced to hit my knees on a dirty bathroom floor, in a stall, in a college restroom.

And I am coming to find, no matter where the location, no matter when the time or place, finding a place to surrender to Jesus in sweet harmony, and holy surrender is often times just what I need.

First thing in the morning, after my feet hit the ground, my knees should be next.

Before bed, before my head hits the pillow, my knees should hit first.

Prayer is how I find my strength and my value. Going off of a sermon taught at Grand Canyon University on Monday morning chapel, The Pastor reminded the congregation to Pray Regularly, Pray Humbly and Pray Privately.    

Prayer can by hard, and is often times extremely discouraging. In my own journey with recovery I have found myself very angry with God. Why does his word promise us that if we ask the door will open, and if we seek we will find? Often times I feel like I ask and I ask, with no outcome. No recovery.

During the same Monday morning chapel, the pastor described the two way conversation with God and human, and how it works during prayer. He described it in a way that finally made sense to me, and I am sharing it with you all in hopes that it bring some of that same enlightenment into your recovery.

While Praying....

1.    If the request if wrong God says No

2.    If the timing is wrong God says Slow

3.    If you are wrong God says Grow

4.    If the request is right God says GO

 Gods plan is HIS PERFECT AND PLEASING PLAN FOR OUR LIVES.

So I will close us with this proposition: Although recovery seems impossible, and often times endless, let’s keep praying, whether our request are wrong or right. Let’s continue to pray for Wisdom and Healing. Let’s all remember to continue hitting our knees.


Romans 8:26
²⁶ In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.

Pursuits of A Dreamer

Life Bucket List
-Hike Several 14ners
-Live in the South
-Get Married
-Have Children
-Live in the South at Some Point
-Own Chickens
-Run in Central Park
-Walk in a NEDA race
-Kiss in poring rain
-Run in a marathon
-Deliver a baby
-Live in a City (downtown)
-Skinny dip with someone I love
-Rock Climb Real Rocks
-Breed dogs


Travel
-Ireland
-Europe
-China
-Washington
-Hawaii
-Egypt
-Mission in a 3rd world Country

Pin Pointing Recovery

I find it extremely difficult and discouraging that as an addict, it takes something as small as a thought, a memory, a discussion, a picture, or a smell to set off our habits. And once our addictive habits are triggered, and the urge for our desired substance of choice starts to act up,  all of our self-control and rational thinking quickly slips away from our grasp; often times costing us our sobriety, our happiness, and the freedom to enjoy our lives.

Recently in my recovery with compulsive overeating (binge/bulimia) I have realized I can always pin point something specific that triggered my binge episode. It always starts with a bad decision regarding food. For example, stealing food from  one of my siblings, or one of my roommates. Perhaps choosing to eat, or even take a bit of a food that I have second thoughts about, or know I should not be eating(processed food, foods high in sugar). Eating meals to close together can often times be a factor in triggering an episode; Also, eating too much at a meal almost always trigger's my eating disorder urges.

There are a lot of habits, and small encounters with people, places and things that can set me back in my recovery; going out to restaurants, going to sleepovers, or parties at friends houses. Holidays are extremely hard on addicts. Yes, the holidays are full of joy, and happiness, but they are also full of down time, sweets, sugar, and emotions. For now, all I can do is continue to train myself to say "NO." And to focus on the future I want for myself. A future that does not involve binging and purging. A future that does not involve constant torment, depression, and food thoughts. A future where I can be strong, healthy, and proud of who I am, where I have been, and where I have going. I can make the right decision for myself. Anyone struggling with addiction can choose to make the right decision for themselves. 
When we are in the depths of our addiction, it is so hard to get out; Yes, it is possible, it is always possible to start recovering from addiction no matter how many times you have relapsed, but I am here to say, it is crucial to find out what sets off our addiction, so that we can put a stop to it before it gets ahold of us, and sends us down the path of utter destruction.