I spent the weekend at a friend’s families house in Arizona. It was a sweet time to be away from the college scene. To be away from the dorms, from the roommates that you are still practicing a somewhat awkward relationship with. It was supposed to be a fun, relaxing get away.
Instead
it turned into a weekend of torture.
Pure torment. A time of desolation, and extreme emotional and
physical misery. It was no ones fault but my own. I decided to let my guard
down. I decided not to take care of myself. I gave into my crack cocaine:
sugar. The substance that in one taste can ruin a whole week for me. After one spoon, one lick, one sip my mind is overcome with addictive thoughts ordering me to 'eat this, eat that' 'dont stop' eat more' 'purge this' 'shame on you'.
What
should have been a cozy weekend with some great friends, was actually just me
and the voices in my head. All I was doing all weekend was eating and making
myself more and more sick. More and more vulnerable. More and more belittled.
I
want so desperately want to be able to take care of myself. To treat myself with
respect. To feed myself like I respect and love myself; like I value my body.
I
must learn to be firm with myself. In this day in age, we coddle ourselves, we
always make sure that we are cozy and content. But it is important to push
ourselves, to be better. Just as a Mother would with a child. Tough love
is good. And it is time for me to be tough with myself. I will find a way to
recover, but I must fight the fight, and do the things I do not want to do.
I
may not like where I am at now, so I must buckle down and find the change; then make it.
No comments:
Post a Comment