Plan of Action

My current most prominent struggle (regarding  my eating disorders) is binging and purging. Binge/ purge episodes are extremely time consuming, tiring, depressing, physically painful, and emotionally draining.

The definition for binging is, "a short period devoted to indulging in an activity to excess, especially drinking alcohol or eating." and it is true. It only takes a short while to fill your body full of sugar, defined carbs, and processed foods. It only takes a short time to make yourself feel depressed, fat, bloated, worthless, insecure, and unworthy. 

So how can we, as addicts, as college students who struggle with eating disorders, as humans, combat our habit to binge eat? 

First, we recognize. We recognize the triggers; what sets up off to binge, what sets us up for failure?  

Through my years of recovery, I have pin pointed a few key things that I know play a big role in the beginning and/or start of one of my binge cycle. Here is just a few: 

1. Sugar. In my book, sugar is crack cocaine, Meth, Heroine.  When I eat it, my thoughts are distorted. My thinking gets a skewed, and I lose all control of rational thinking. Sending me into a quick and fast binge cycle.

What's the solution? Easy. No sugar for me. Sure, it could be viewed as extreme, but its my only option to stay sober. The ice cream, frozen yogurt, chocolate, milk shakes that I think so fondly of must be cut out; anything high in sugar and sweet factor. Just like an addict would cut out there drug of choice. And at this point in my recovery, I must learn to say no. To say, "no thank you.... I can't have that..." I must learn to protect myself from what could become potentially deadly.   

2. Recognize when we are bored, tired, angry, emotional, and Not Overeating as a Result: This one is really tricky for me. If you are anything like me. when you get bored or tired you automatically think "Food;"  However, the difference between a binge/ purger and a normal eater, is that binge eaters have no off button. So if I begin to eat when I am tired or hungry, I wont stop until I am engorged and utterly miserable.

How do we combat this problem? How do we not eat when we are bored or tired? Well we can start by breathing, and getting in touch with ourselves. Now call someone, talk to someone, walk somewhere, journal, read, look up interesting stories to read on the internet, buy a book ahead of time to read, make a cup of tea, meditate, sleep! Tell yourself out loud YOU ARE, RESILIANT, STRONG, AND POWERFUL. AND YOU CAN OVERCOME IN JESUS NAME.  Let your soul be still. 

It is so hard. But we can overcome. The future is so bright for us. Gods plan is not for us to beat ourselves up, and for us to look down on ourselves. Let us love our bodies, and take care of them. 

"We must first love ourselves before we can truly love others."

 From personal experience I believe that to be true.  So how crucial it must be to take care of ourselves, and to do everything out of love.

Whoever gets sense loves his own soul; he who keeps understanding will discover good.

Prov. 19:8
 

Find the Change, and Make It

I spent the weekend at a friend’s families house in Arizona. It was a sweet time to be away from the college scene. To be away from the dorms, from the roommates that you are still practicing a somewhat awkward relationship with. It was supposed to be a fun, relaxing get away.

Instead it turned  into a weekend of torture. Pure torment. A time of desolation, and extreme emotional and physical misery. It was no ones fault but my own. I decided to let my guard down. I decided not to take care of myself. I gave into my crack cocaine: sugar. The substance that in one taste can ruin a whole week for me. After one spoon, one lick, one sip my mind is overcome with addictive thoughts ordering me to 'eat this, eat that' 'dont stop' eat more' 'purge this' 'shame on you'.

What should have been a cozy weekend with some great friends, was actually just me and the voices in my head. All I was doing all weekend was eating and making myself more and more sick. More and more vulnerable. More and more belittled.

I want so desperately want to be able to take care of myself. To treat myself with respect. To feed myself like I respect and love myself; like I value my body.

I must learn to be firm with myself. In this day in age, we coddle ourselves, we always make sure that we are cozy and content. But it is important to push ourselves, to be better. Just as a Mother would with a child. Tough love is good. And it is time for me to be tough with myself. I will find a way to recover, but I must fight the fight, and do the things I do not want to do.  

I may not like where I am at now, so I must buckle down and find the change; then make it.