Gifts of Abandonment PT.1

This season of my life has been a rather raw, coming of age, type of season.
Looking back on my past, the hurt, shame, and loneliness that stemmed from my personal struggles and relationships left me feeling beat up, hopeless, jaded, and inevitably sentenced to a life of sadness and suffering.
As a child, I struggled a lot with anger and depression, and low self- esteem/ self worth. The reason for all the anger, depression, and absence of self worth, I still am unaware. Perhaps it was situational, perhaps it was a chemical imbalance in my brain- something I do know, however, is that through it all, I longed for approval and love- more specifically, approval and love from my mom.
Growing up in a very dysfunctional, messy, sad home, I was never really sure what love between a husband and wife, love between a father and child, and love between a mother and child really looked like. Leaving my young self feeling desperate for something more.
Now I can see that the something more I long for was really just love and approval from my mom. I have to be the reason she is so sad and angry. My troubles are what is dragging this family down, deep down into the darkest, loneliest places... the agreements I made with myself, and the devil. The questions that circulated through my head so often.
Therapy appointment, hospitalizations for an eating disorder, doctor's visits, a variety of different medications for depression and anger. I was blinding trying to find away to make things better, unaware of the internal warfare, and emotion abuse I was fighting with each day.

Through all of the pain, loneliness, confusion, and guilt I experienced as a child and young adult, I continued to long for my mothers compassion.

It is important for me to note that my mom is not a bad women, and her intentions have never been, nor will they ever be intentionally abusive.. I genuinely know that she loves me, and loves her other children. I genuinely know that she wants what is best for me, and the other kids. But I am coming to know that the love and want she has for her kids is tinted by her own dark past, anger, depression and bitter denial.

As I sought to find ways to satisfy my mom, I did failed to realize that a person living in denial, and depression can not be satisfied.

Real love is not bought at a price. If there are conditions to loving someone, it is not real love.

Broken for a Time

A pain that feels like weakness;
A hungry infant pulled away from its mothers bosom.

A pain that feels like suffocation;
A fish out of water.

The end of an era so to speak;
mourning what was and what could have been.

Hurt and sorrow wash over the seemingly desolate anatomy
of the lover mourning the loss of love.

Dejection creeps in, along side self-loathing and hopelessness,
the light that once shown down so bright on the future now appears dark and dimmed. 

Drowning in a sea of uncertainty- fate seems all but a scheme.

The notion of falling in love is threatened by the hardening of the heart,
and desperation of the soul.